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sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's having a
good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and
ask them cheerfully: "Hey dudes how far is the sea?" They look at each
other and say: "Two thousand miles!" And he says: "Wow what a cool
beach!!!"
Submitted by Robert Stadnik
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There were two spies escaping from the enemy over the Alps into neutral
Switzerland during the war. As they began to feel safe, one spy starts to
tell the other what he found out in enemy territory. The other tells him to
speak quietly.
"Why?", asks his friend a little perplexed. "There's nobody around for
miles. I could scream and not a soul would hear us up here.....!"
"Ah," replied the other,"haven't you heard? There are mountain ears?"
(mountaineers)
Submitted by Paddy Greenleaf, teacher IH Viseu, Portugal
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This is a humorous "fake" news items which many adult ESL/EFL students may
understand.
REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that
the official release date for the new operating system
"Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of
1901.
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Q: What did one light bulb say to another light bulb?
A: You are the light of my life.
Submitted by brenda "la chuca"
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An lawyer American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him
in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the lawyer and his
Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning
breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a
male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.
His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him
whole.
The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman.
The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" said the
lawyer, pointing to the male.
The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT
THE FEMALE.
"What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer, "I said he was in the other
bear!"
"Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you
that the Czech was in the Male?"
(The check is in the mail.)
Submitted by Bonnie P.
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A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the
head monk.
The head monk said: "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two
words every three years."
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and
said, "What are your two words?"
"Food cold!" , the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are
your two words?"
"Robe dirty!", the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are
your two words?"
"I quit!" , said the man.
"Well, the head monk replied, I am not surprised. You have done nothing but
complain ever since you got here!"
Submitted by Bonnie P
Submitted by eva y rut
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In a restaurant:
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
Submitted by Daniel Fernando Rodrigues
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Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A:He didn't have anybody to take. (any BODY)
Submitted by Toni Allen (from daughter)
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Q:What did zero say to eight?
A: Nice belt.
(The 8 looks like a 0 with a belt around its waist.)
Submitted by Charlotte and Francis
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(After teaching about telling time)
Teacher: What time is it?
Students: Umm, eight fifty-nine?
Teacher: Nope.
Students: About nine o'clock?
Teacher: No.
Students: What then?
Teacher: It's time to go home.
Submitted by Kier Bass
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Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When
they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest
turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches
until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the
two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the
little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't
go!"
Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)
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One teacher said this to his students before the final test.
"A" is for God.
"B" is for me and my wife.
"C" is for the perfect student.
"D & F" are for all other students.
Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)
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A young man comes before the Customs agent.
A: "State your citizenship."
B:"American" (pronounced with a Spanish accent).
A: "Hold on there, buddy. Say that again."
B: "I sed American."
A: "I'm going to give you a test."
B: "No, no senor, no need for test, I tell you I"m American."
A: "Yeah, sure buddy. OK, let's see, ... I've got it. Make a sentence with
the following colors: green, pink and yellow."
B: "Oh senor, I tell you I'm American. But OK, let's see... I was at my
bruder-in-laws house and the phone went 'green, green, I pinked it up and
sed yellow!"
Submitted by Carlos Manuel Hernandez
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This joke may be good for high-level science majors.
What do you call a test tube that graduates from high school?
A graduated cylinder
Submitted by Margaret Elliott
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Q: Why do birds fly south in the fall?
A: Because it's too far to walk!
Submitted by Michèle Larouche
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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Submitted by Pat Bacon
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A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my
knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your
finger!"
Submitted by Sean McLoughlin
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Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Why bother, he won't come anyway.
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1) Where does Dracula stay when he goes to New York City?
- The Vampire State building.
2) What do cows like to read?
- The mooooospaper
3)What is the longest word?
-Smiles, because there is a mile between the first and last s.
Submitted by Guillermo Flores Grajales - Mexico City ESL teacher.
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Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one
ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!
Submitted by Marco Morales, Mexico
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Q: What a bee says when it gets in the hive?
A: Hi Honey! I'm home!
Submitted by Bianca Lévesque -ESL Teacher , Montreal - Canada
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Q: Which 'BUS' could cross the ocean?
A: Columbus!
Submitted by Kusuma from Thailand
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Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nut !
Submitted by Mark Grable
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Q.Where do cows go for entertainment?
A.They go to the mooovies!
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A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and
said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby
Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
Submitted by BH LEE
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A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
Submitted by Mahmoud Zeidan
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Question: What begins with T, ends with T and has T in it?
Answer: A teapot.
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Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
Submitted by Fred G. Stone
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Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Submitted by Fred G. Stone
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A: What is the word that everybody always says wrong?
B: "Wrong".
Submitted by Qin Honghuai
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Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying
it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
Submitted by Jim Sperling
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A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on
my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
B: It's because your feet aren't empty.
Submitted by Kyle Jefferson
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Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
Submitted by Kyle Jefferson
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What are the two strongest days of the week?
They are Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weak (week) days.
Submitted by Motoko Hashimoto
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Why is the letter "A" like noon?
Because it's in the middle of the day.
Submitted by Motoko Hashimoto
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Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
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Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
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On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."
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Why are baseball stadiums so cool?
There is a fan in every seat.
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Lynn: Tom's always running into cars in front of him at traffic lights
making dents.
Max: Is he really? A wreckless type, huh? What does he do for a living?
Lynn: He is a dent-ist.
(If the student can also speak Japanese, then continue the joke.)
Max: I suppose he's had to pay a lot in damages.
Lynn: No. He usually says "sorry" and gets away with it.
Max: Don't they complain?
Lynn: It may be strange, but they don't.
Max: What are they afraid of?
Lynn: They're afraid of shikaeshi from the dentist!
(For those of you who don't speak Japanese, "shikaeshi" means revenge or
getting back at someone while "shikaishi," which sounds similar, refers to
a dentist.)
Submitted by Seiichi Nakada, Pu.D (a doctor of punology)
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One day a man went to see the Mozart's tomb.
When he got there, the tomb was open and Mozart was sitting there tearing
up pieces of paper.
The men asked: "What are you doing with all of your great works of music?"
Mozart repied, "I'm decomposing!".
Submitted by Marcia Villasana
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A student, who is studying English as a foreign language, was confused when
he saw the words "open here" on a box of laundry soap, so he asks the
clerk, "Can't I wait until I get home to open it?"
Submitted by Suwan Kansanoh
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Q: If you are Russian before you enter the bathroom and Finnish after you
leave the bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom?
A: European
Submitted by Cara Thompson (from my step-daughters)
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Q: What would the pig say when its tailed was held tight by the farmer who
had a sharp knife in his other hand?
A: "That's the end of me!"
Submitted by Jing Wen of San Francisco
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A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks
down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the
engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he
needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to
the zoo and asks if the other man would
take the penguins there. He agrees.
Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is
still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and
look happy.
"I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the
first driver.
The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to
the cinema now."
(Present continuous / just for fun)
Submitted by Jeremy Hookway
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What goes "ZUB, ZUB"?
A bee flying backwards.(Buz,Buz)
My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.
Submitted by Jozef Karpat
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English Teacher: "Johnny, the clock on the wall is not working, but you
have a watch. What time is it?"
Johnny: "2 o'watch."
Submitted by Jing Wen
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Three tomatoes are walking down the street, a poppa tomato, a momma tomato,
and a little baby tomato. The baby tomato is lagging behind the poppa and
momma tomato. The poppa tomato gets mad, goes over to the momma tomato and
stamps on him --
(STAMPS on the ground)
-- and says: catch up.
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Student to teacher," Are 'pants' singular or plural?"
Teacher, "They're singular on top and plural on the bottom."
Submitted by Emil
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Q: What has three feet but no legs or arms?
A: A yard.
Q: What has a heads and tails but no legs?
A: Coins.
Submitted by Dobbin Pelagius
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A: How do you like your new job at the cemetery?
B: I quit after a week. I found the work too frustrating.
A: What happened?
B: No matter what I said to the customers, they were always dead right!
Submitted by Bob Burgel, Vancouver
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Here's an old joke (revamped for EFL classes).
Three EFL students are walking down the road to their remedial listening
comprehension workshop.
"It's windy" says the first.
"No it isn't, it's Thursday" says the second.
"Me too." says the third, "Forget the listening, let's go for a drink!"
Submitted by Bernadette Kelly
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Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
Submitted by Bernadette Kelly
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Why do we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway?
Submitted by Rex Karz in Seattle
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[This one works best when spoken aloud.]
Once upon a time a mother skunk had two children named "In" and "Out". They
were very active children and whenever In was in, Out was out. When Out was
in, In was out.
One day when Out was in and In was out, the mother skunk said "Out, go out
and find In and tell In to come in." Out went out to find In to bring In
back in. Within a minute, Out came back in from going out and Out brought
In right back in.
Amazed, the mother skunk said, "Out, you just went out to find In and
brought In right back in! How did you do it?"
To this, Out replied "Instinct!" [In stinked]
Submitted by Walter Lowe
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Boyfriend: What is your favorite music group?
Girlfriend: I love U2!
Boyfriend: I love you too, but what is your favorite music group?
Submitted by Phyllis
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What's the longest word in the dictionary?
Rubber-band -- because it streches.
Why did the chewing-gum cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chickens foot.
Submitted by Christopher Berry
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There was a man who has two dogs, named 'commonsense' and 'trouble'. He
always brought his dogs to the park every evening. One day, he only brought
'trouble' to the park, and left 'commonsense' at home. while the man was so
happy playing 'frisbee' with his friends, 'commonsense' disappeared. The
man was so sad and panicky. He looked for his dog everywhere but could not
find it. A lady realised it and asked the man, "What are you looking for?".
The man replied "I'm looking for 'trouble'...". "pardon..", said the lady.
The man replied in a higher tone "I am looking for 'TROUBLE'". The lady was
annoyed and asked "Where's your COMMONSENSE?". The man whose mind was only
about his dogs, answered "At home..."
Submitted by iena. smuc.ac.uk
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Q: In what state does it cost the most to live in?
A: Expennsylvania.
Submitted by Mike McKinney
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Q: What do you call a witch at the beach?
A: A sandwich.
Submitted by Tinour
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Q: Why didn't the farmer cry when his dairy cow fell off the cliff?
A: There's no use crying over split milk.
Submitted by Alfred Vincent
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Q: Ten copycats were sitting in a boat, and one jumped out. How many were
left?
A: None. They were all copycats.
Q: What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailor?
A: A jeweler sells watches. A jailer watches cells.
Submitted by Cristina Toso
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Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange
and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand
him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
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There once was a very large lady in our town. She wore a dress size 16. I
knew her when she was young, but she had a much smaller size.
Why do you think she is now wearing a size 16?
I guess she just 8 + 8 (ate and ate).
Submitted by David Trimingham
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Where does a boxer who weighs 135 kilograms sit on a bus?
Wherever he wants to.
Submitted by François Falardeau